The Little Giant Book of Jokes

Patient: Nurse, nurse, I was swallowing my harmonica and, crap.

Didja hear the one about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s new ice cream? It’s called “Mr. Freeze from Batman Returns.” He says “Cool party! Allow me to break the ice. My name is Freeze. Learn it well. For it’s the chilling sound of your doom.” and then he makes you some ice cream with his ice cream making machine! He also says “I wasn’t actually in Batman Returns. Stay in school, kids!”

You’re so weak, if you beat an egg, we’d all be surprised.

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a cup of coffee.
Doctor: Oh.

Patient: Nurse, nurse, my mother told me to swallow my harmonica, and when I said no she beat me and made me swallow my harmonica, then she installed Plexiglas in my stomach wall so she could see the harmonica in my stomach, and when I walk around I sound like a harmonica.
Nurse: Have you tried Arnold Schwarzenegger’s new ice cream? It’s called “Rambo … Crunch.”

Two men from Mars, the first to land on Earth, stepped out of their spaceship near a large town. Pointing to the TV aerials on almost every house, one happily said to the other, “Look—we’ve travelled back in time to the 1970s or the 60s or some bullshit, ’cause people have those aerials on their roofs! Crazy!”

World’s Best Centipede Joke

Some of the animals on Noah’s ark decided to play baseball. One team was headed by an elephant, the other by a giraffe.

By the fourth inning, the score was 9-0 in favor of the elephant’s team. In the fifth inning, a hard drive was stopped by a centipede in a neat catch.

“What a great catch!” said the giraffe to the centipede. “Where were you during the first four innings?”

The centipede answered, “Why’d they have to tell us you were a giraffe? It makes no difference to the joke at all.”

Eddie Kohler